Matthew’s Question to Madison: What are your reflections on receiving feedback from others?

This week we’re flipping my last blog question from how I’m learning to give feedback, to how I actually receive feedback.

My reflections are not clear cut since receiving feedback from others really depends on who it’s coming from, the context of the conversation, and whether or not I honestly agree with what they’re saying.

Let’s explore a few scenarios – maybe you’ll relate.

Scenario #1: Feedback from Random People

Random people could mean an acquaintance, someone who’s temporarily served in a ministry area I’m involved with, or someone I’ve barely interacted with. I quite often do not soak in their comments. I’ll hear it out, and if it’s valid, I’ll keep it in mind, but I also understand that they won’t know the broader context that their opinions are directed towards. For the sake of my own well-being and for my ministry, I simply cannot whole-heartedly take feedback from people who don’t know me well, or the ministry well.

Scenario #2: Feedback from a Student

Since my job revolves around kids and youth, I have had students approach me before with feedback on how something was done, or how I’ve acted. Some have been bold moves, I must say, but often it’s an innocent comment that just comes through conversation. These moments I listen very carefully to, especially when it comes to programming or how to better lead them. I desire to serve them where they’re at, so I’ll hold what they say and compare it with what I know of the larger picture. Sometimes that means asking for clarity, making a change, or providing them with a perspective they may not have considered. But more often than not, I will always graciously accept comments from students.

Scenario #3: Feedback from a Co-Worker or Supervisor

This one I take much more to heart. I’m very cognizant of the fact that each of my co-workers have an incredible amount of experience and wisdom, and I trust their observations. Admittedly, I’m someone who hates letting down those I deeply respect – it doesn’t matter if I dropped a penny or an enormous elephant, I’ll feel it. In the moments of receiving feedback from any one of them, I’m much more silent in the moment and feel a weight of my actions. After sitting in the discomfort and reflecting on their words, I’m always grateful for the learning, and even more grateful for their model of grace.

I will also say that if my co-workers were not who they were, I’d respond very differently. I’ve had professors and teachers who I did not have a great amount of respect for, and any feedback from them was immediately thrown out. The truth is responded best in love, and if I don’t believe that the person has the best intentions in mind (not just in the moment, but through all interactions), I won’t give the truth the time of day – even if it was truthful.

Scenario #4: Feedback from friends and family

These feedback conversations are the most conversational, from my observations. Friends and family are a different kind of relationship, and with the many moments shared, I sometimes crave their feedback. There have been many times I’ve specifically gone to one of them and asked them for feedback. What are they observing in me and how I treat others? How can they help me draw closer to God through what they see? Many of them know me better than anyone else – especially those who understand the personality lingo of Myers Briggs or the Enneagram, since those bring a deeper level of awareness of how I’m wired.

A little insight into how I function, which some of you may understand from personal experience. I’m naturally a “by works” person. I have unconsciously believed that my value as a person comes from what I did and how I did it. Whenever I’ve had criticism about an assignment, project, event, or something else, I have always taken it incredibly hard – because it felt like an attack on who I was.

Let’s just say God’s had His work cut out for Him! But the more my identity is in who He is, and who I believe I am because of that, the easier feedback is to receive, no matter who the person is. Some instances the feedback from the individual are words that God uses to transform me from the inside out. It is also much easier to apologize and freely admit wrong doing. I’m a flawed human and that will never change on this side of heaven, but I’m saved by grace and grace alone. That is a truth I can live in.