Madison’s question to Matthew: There have been many people who have been hurt by the Church. How would you advise someone who is talking to someone hurt by the church? What encouragement would you give to the person who has been hurt by the church?

I must first set the stage for my answer to this question by looking at my own church experiences. My earliest memories were of life at Grantham Mennonite Brethren Church in St. Catharines until the age of 14. I wasn’t that keen about attending Sunday service (boring for a young guy), however boys club during the week and youth group were very positive. In grade 9 we moved to another church where my father became the pastor of a 1-year-old church plant – although he continued to be a High School Vice Principle. This was also an amazing community where I was baptized and enjoyed some great youth group experiences. When I got married and moved to Guelph, Janice and I were involved at Lakeside Bible Church where Jan enjoyed serving in the kid’s ministry and I enjoyed both music and men’s ministry while engaging in my banking career. I am now a pastor in London for the past 15 years, and although we have had some ebbs and flows over these years, it has been meaningful and both of my children were positively influenced in their faith.

So for me to answer this question I can only do so from listening to others, observing from afar and speaking with other church leaders.

I truly do believe that there are churches who have been, and continue to be, led poorly. Church leaders are too controlling and treat members in less than stellar ways. I am often saddened when I hear the stories and speak directly to those who have been so poorly treated. For the most part, I have discovered that church leadership who hurt members are attempting to maintain control of how people look and act externally and miss out on the life-long heart transformation that we are all a part of.

On the other side, I have seen some people blame a local church for hurting them when in fact they simply didn’t get their way in something and dealt with it poorly. Their disappointment and perhaps at times lack of emotional intelligence made them lash out in poor ways and as they leave they blame that particular church for hurting them instead of looking in the mirror.

All that being said, people will have legitimate reasons for churches hurting them more often than I’d like to hear. So, how do we deal with this?

First, if you are speaking with someone who says that the church has hurt them, listen. Hear their story and ask questions to understand fully. Sometimes it is painful to hear the whole story, at times you may not believe all that you are hearing – that’s okay. Just listen and acknowledge that they feel pain from the experience – it is their reality.

Second, it is important for them to consider that it was a person, or persons who hurt them, not the church itself. Many of us, myself included, tend to move up a level or two in blame, perhaps it makes us/me feel good. For example, if a particular employee at a call centre engages with me in a poor way, I am just as likely to blame the entire company even though it was specifically that person who treated me poorly. Why do we/I do this? I wish I knew so that I could deal with it in my own life in better ways.

Third, as followers of Jesus, we are always called to reconciliation. I have seen this happen in such beautiful ways. As much as it depends on us, and as much as we feel safe to do it, we are to reach back to resolve things. Whenever someone comes to our church from another church, if the conversation allows it, I ask them if they left well. I ask them to not simply slip out the back door but to explain to the church leadership why they have chosen to leave that local church. If there has been hurt or disappointment, this can be trickier for sure. In those circumstances I do my best to listen to what took place and offer whatever counsel I can as they seek to find healing.

If you are someone who has been hurt by a local church, as a pastor, I want to apologize to you. I don’t know your circumstances, I don’t know exactly what took place, but I do want you to know that it does hurt me to know you’ve been hurt.

Please don’t give up on the local church. Please don’t declare all churches are bad and go out and live faith in Jesus on your own. It may take a season of stepping away to find some healing, I get that. And yet, we are called to embrace each other as followers of Jesus, to live in community. We are called to forgive and the accept forgiveness. These are challenging aspects of our faith to embrace at times, particularly when those in leadership of a local church act in ways that cause pain.

It is my prayer that you would find healing, that you would once again experience community with other followers of Jesus, and that your love for the Church would never fade.

For the kingdom.