Well, we’re kicking off this journey of dad and I asking each other questions to blog about with a topic that I’ve always wrestled with – vulnerability. Sometimes I’m convinced vulnerability and I mix as well as water and oil, even if I logically know that it responds more like honey in tea.

If and when I ever express the struggles in my inner being, I sometimes leave the conversation with whomever feeling worse off.

“They probably think I’m overreacting; that I should just get over it.”

“You’re so weak.”

“In two days’ time I’m going to be feeling back to normal, why couldn’t you just persevere until then – you know feelings are fleeting anyway.”

I rationalize all my thoughts and feelings, categorizing and understanding them using my psychology background. Everything I do and all that I feel can be explained, and as long as I can explain it, then I can “get over it”. And sometimes that does work. Sometimes my reactions are self-centered and ridiculous, and I need to give myself a quick kick in the butt – and then make sure no one finds out because if they did, they would see me as lesser; as incapable; as weak.

And I know these thoughts are ridiculous.

But if I’m being completely honest, I put the same standards on myself that I put on others – and it’s unfortunately quite high. I’ve thought of people as incapable and weak because what they were feeling was so out there and illogical. I judged them for what they were experiencing, and I had the audacity to not even try to understand where they were coming from. So naturally, I gave myself the same standards, believing that if I failed to meet them, others were going to think the same about me that I thought about them.

I arrived home about two weeks ago from living in Germany for half a year attending a Bible College. There were 110 students there and we lived, worked, studied, church-ed, ate, and grew together. You can’t hide in that kind of environment. We talked a lot about being open with each other, but also how to be the one listening to someone else share their inner state of being. The staff were intentional about creating a culture that was safe for authenticity. Some of my fellow students also modelled vulnerability extremely well for me. They would be raw with what they were experiencing, and because they were, I felt like I could also share things with them even if the thoughts were considered irrational (by my standards). The craziest thing happened because of it – we would get closer. And I found myself relating to many of the things people shared. I finally began to understand the importance of vulnerability, and realized that I needed to edit my standards for people because they were so off. And with that edit, came a transformation in how I viewed myself. Grace flowed more freely. I felt more freedom.

Now I’m home. And to be completely transparent, I’ve struggled to transfer over the new found appreciation for vulnerability. I think it’s because it feels less safe. Or maybe it’s because I’m back in the place where I used to be more critical of people’s vulnerability; where I put my standards for others on myself. I can’t put my finger on it yet, but I still try to force out my thought process to certain people to make sure I don’t fall back into the wrong way of thinking.

I used to hate any sort of writing on vulnerability and authenticity because it felt like I always had to have something wrong going on that I needed to share. I’m a pretty optimistic, happy person, so I often felt like I had nothing to offer. But vulnerability is more than inner struggles and darkness. It can also be sharing passions and dreams, both of which expose your heart. Anything that reveals your heart puts people at liberty to destroy or downplay the things that mean the most to you – and that can be some of the most damaging work another person could do to you. I’ve been in situations where I was overwhelmed with conviction to do something, and when I shared it with someone else, they basically shut it down. It had me questioning the inner urgency I was feeling, but I also lost a bit of trust in that person and was more hesitant to share things with them in the future. Reflecting on these experiences helps me handle people’s hearts with more care and intention.

Well, there’s nothing like writing a blog about vulnerability to get me to be vulnerable. And now that you know some of the hidden darkness inside me, do you dare begin to follow this journey with us?