I have had several conversations the past few weeks regarding people’s frustration over what appears to be discipling relationships that feel like a person is simply going through the motions and not being willing to be truly wanting to engage in deep life change. In these conversations the person I was speaking with was in essence asking me what to do, if there really is anything they can do. Is this normal, is there life change taking place but perhaps it just looks different than what the person I was speaking to persaonally experiences and expresses? In all cases, the person they were wondering about was physically present, the material they were working through had been completed and they had answers to the questions about the scriptures they were looking at – it just appeared like it was a check box activity in their life, that no real change was taking place, it seemed dry.

I’ve been pondering these discussions and I must say that I don’t have the definitive answer. Up front, let’s agree that we can never declare if life change is taking place in the heart of another person, it can look so different in each of us. I know that I’m not a very expressive person during times of singing at my church and yet there are moments when my heart is moved with a phrase from a song that I think about it for days after. So let’s always assume that if someone is engaging with the scriptures with other intentional people, surely something is happening.

But in this, what can you do to perhaps prod someone to open up and be more receptive to what the Holy Spirit is desiring to do in their life. Here are some ideas.

First, ask. Sometimes the most obvious answer is the best solution. If you have been together for a period of time then hopefully a trust has been established, if you’re not sure, then asking this question will be a great way to reveal the depth of a relationship. It may be awkward for a bit, but if you are willing to openly discuss it something beautiful may emerge which will excite all of you. Make sure you ask the question from your perspective such as – “As I have been connecting with you these past 6 months, my perception is that …… I’d love to understand more what learning looks like for you and how you express it.” Find your own words, but maybe this example can help.

Second, model. Be willing to share openly about the life change that specific scriptures are asking you to make. Share about the scriptures that don’t make sense to you and how you’d love to have more insight. Be real in demonstrating what you are truly learning and struggling with.

Finally, pray continually, and ask that the Holy Spirit does what only the Holy Spirit can do. We are called to pray for each other, especially those that we are engaging with so closely. Wrestle with God and ask him to move in someone’s life. Also, ask him to reveal to you where they are growing, to show you their heart that is being changed so that you can be encouraged that the energy you are putting into the relationship is bearing fruit.

That’s all I can suggest for the time being. May you continue in obedience to do what you are called to do and to trust God to do the rest.

For the kingdom.