We had our annual volunteer training and appreciation day at our church last Saturday. It’s fun to engage with so many individuals who give so much to the life of the church.

During the morning session we were privileged to have Carey Nieuwhof come and speak to us – you can find his own blog at careynieuwhof.com.

At the end of his talk he gave us 7 things to do as leaders to keep us in the game so that we wouldn’t give up and burn out. And although I nodded and agreed with what he had to say, the one thing he said that stood out more than the rest was this: “Grieve your losses.” If people have let you down, if things haven’t gone as planned – don’t simply push forward with a stiff upper lip, admit to yourself that you’ve lost something or someone, and take some time to grieve what you have lost. Only then can you truly move forward without a host of “loses” building up inside.

I’ve been thinking about that all week, especially in light of what I perceive as losses in this work of life-on-life discipleship that have weighed on me, and I don’t know if I have grieved them. I’ve done many things with them, but I haven’t grieved them. I’ve gotten mad at people, I’ve become cynical, I’ve blamed myself, I’ve judged, but I don’t think I have grieved.

You see, I have set standards/ideals that I have in mind for those that I commit at least two years of my life to – I’ve written about them in previous blog posts. Now I’ve come to understand that not everyone will fully and exactly imitate me, that it isn’t my objective to turn out “Matthew robots”. We are all made uniquely and will walk alongside others in different ways – I get that and I’m okay with that. In fact it has been fun to watch how those I’ve built into choose to use their unique personality and build into others in ways that I am wowed by. At times I’ve incorporated some of what I’ve seen them do into what I do.

But there are others that I’ve built into that completely walk away. And not only do they walk away from building into others but at times they walk away from any intentional relationship with God. What happened? How could that be? It was only a year or more before that we were engaging the scriptures, praying together, wrestling with life issues, laughing and crying. I was baring my soul and they were baring their soul. And now nothing. Done. Over. “Life” has taken over and pushed God out of the picture. At times I feel like I don’t even know the person anymore, don’t know how to engage with them on the odd occasion that we run into each other.

It hurts! It hurts deep in my soul, my heart aches, I’m frustrated, I’m at a loss for words. What happened? How could something that appeared so amazing have taken such a step back? Why do they no longer desire to seek God with all the heart, mind and strength? What can I do? What should I have done? Answer: I don’t know, simple as that.

And as such, I’m going to commit from this point forward to grieve. To allow myself to be sad, to cry, to let misery engulf me. These are losses that I don’t understand, that I can’t explain. But they are losses, no question about it, and it hurts!

For the kingdom.